Let's Decolonize The Therapy Relationship

All therapists can agree:

Every therapist has their go-to therapist friend that they complain about reimbursement insurance to, process hard feelings with, and gets advice from on if you are actually a terrible human being (therapists are notoriously very sensitive human beings- surprise!).

I once reached out to my go-to in tears because I had received some feedback from a colleague about how I should not be referring one of my clients to a new therapist.

I was crushed at the insinuation that I was doing my client (who is white, this becomes relevant later in the post!) a disservice by referring her out a different provider. Within the first few sessions, it was clear that this client was hostile and uncomfortable with me. It was weird, awkward, and she clearly couldn’t wait to get out the door. She was usually my last client of the day, which allowed me to have a good cry before I signed off on my documentation and closed my email for the day. It. Was. Miserable.

I live in and was raised in a pretty racist community in Wisconsin and I have my own trauma associated with these experiences.

And I’m no dummy. I know some of the white clients that have come to me over the years are racist or uncomfortable around people of color. Sadly, this interaction mirrored so many red flags that had come with these other therapeutic relationships with white that had crumbled and/or caused me unending amounts of anxiety and imposter syndrome. And yes, if you are brown/black 9/10 times you know when a white person is being racist. You just do. But, the worst part of this was that I started to doubt my own mental wellness.

Am I too crazy to be a therapist if racism bothers me? If I had my own hard feelings and they involved the actions of a client?

As I sat on the phone crying, my therapist friend (who is white) gently said “But Meena, it’s about the relationship. Ultimately, therapy is about the relationship and how the relationship can help create change. If the relationship isn’t right, then you need to move on”. And she was right. So very very right.

And here is where we bring in the idea of decolonization.

“Decolonize” is a term that is relatively new… but somehow has now been tossed around a lot on social media. Sadly, some people have given it a poor connotation. I’m not going to get into that piece right now because…well, it’s way too long and would take at least one or two blog posts to cover. So let’s just stick to what it means in the therapy realm.

Western methods of psychotherapy and mental health treatment push providers to be “blank slates”.

We are expected to have no opinions, never be biased, and always provide guidance and care that pushes people towards a specific “idea” of what healthy is. Specifically… someone who has a clean house, has a job, forgives and forgets, has a family, and pays their taxes.

A therapist is expected to be a therapist to ALL people. To be able to leave their own stuff “at the door”. And yes, to some extent I agree with some of this stuff. Therapists should not be pushing their own agendas on others. They should not be mean. They shouldn’t use therapy spaces for their clients to process or work through their own issues.

And yes, I think that therapists should work through their biases, both ones that they are aware and unaware of. I would just prefer that they would do it outside of the therapy room and not utilize their clients as their method of self-improvement.

When we talk about decolonizing therapy, we talk about dismantling the oppressive constraints around the authenticity of the therapeutic relationship.

Oftentimes, we hear about how a therapist is not a good fit for a client. But do we talk enough about how a client is not a good fit for a therapist? And if we do, are we looking at that therapist with pride that they were able to move that client to a space where they would be better served? Or are we shaming that therapist for not being THE person for everyone?

And don’t forget, people who come to therapy aren’t stupid. Many come into session hypervigilant about rejection or any perceived emotional threats. As someone who uses therapy myself, I can tell you that I 100% do this as well. Clients can spot you feigning comfort from a mile away. So WHY LIE and pretend.

This theory can be applied outside of racism and discrimination.

A lot of times, therapists are expected to treat all age ranges and all diagnoses or symptoms. For some therapists, they are happy and thrive as generalists but this doesn’t apply to ALL therapists. Just like you wouldn’t go to a dermatologist and ask them to help deliver your baby, not all medical professionals do the same thing… and not all mental health professionals should either. Clients know when you are giving them sub par service. And they will go and tell everyone else that you give them terrible therapy. It’s unfair for clients and therapists to ask and expect therapists to treat people outside of their niche or realm of expertise. Stop asking for it. And therapists stop doing it. You’ll be disappointed.

So yes. At our next meeting, I provided my client with other therapists and let her know “we haven’t quite clicked yet and I’m worried that I might not be the right therapist for you”. And you know what. She thanked me and moved on to another provider that helped her WAY more than I ever could.

It’s unrealistic to expect providers to treat clients who they don’t “click” with.

It’s unfair to ask BIPOC therapists to sit with racism. It’s a drain on the mental health system to burn therapists out by requiring them to be someone for everyone. It’s time for us to decolonize the therapy relationship and the first step is to learning more about decolonization. Below are some of my favorite resources.

Dive in to these and see what you think. Feel free to comment on this post with any questions about decolonization you may have! Or any additional resources you find. It’s a group effort to re-educate ourselves and I welcome us all to engage in some team work.